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Swinging for Beginners "Let's do something different tonight." When my fellow suggested this, I immediately thought of a blues club I'd wanted to visit. He had something else in mind entirely. I wasn't shy, but was afraid of being arrested in some type of police raid and shown in my skivvies on the morning news. After visiting websites of clubs in my area, however, my fears were gone and I was excited to try something so very different! We hit the ground running (or rather, playing) that night and haven't looked back since. For those who consider following us, we hope this helps you on your journey.
While many on the outside looking into the swingers' world believe that "swinging" is synonymous with wife swapping, there is so much more (and less) to it! Simply put, all swingers share very active sex and play drives and believe that a healthy committed relationship does not necessarily involve monogomy. They come in all shapes, sizes and ages and their styles of swinging have a great variety of comfort levels, openness, ways to play and fantasies. As a result they are the most tolerant group of people I have met, so if interested don't worry if you haven't lost those pounds, think your nose is too big (or something else too small). So - how do you find swingers who might be right for you? First, sit down with your partner and decide what you hope to find in this wonderful lifestyle. What turns you on? What turns you off? What fantasies would you like to explore? What are you comfortable having your partner participate in? For starters, are you interested in public swinging, or a more private setting with just one other couple? Are you in it just for the sex, or are you looking for sexy friends to travel, shop and dine with too? Our sections on The Rules, Guidelines for Couples and Issues for Newbies make great conversation starters to help you and your partner begin discussing your desires and determining where your initial comfort levels are. Our section on Clubs and Groups will help you find the public places or nightclubs for swingers in your area.
SWINGING STYLES Once you decide to delve into a swinging environment you need to be prepared to let your new friends know your swinging "style" and limits in hopes that you are sexually compatible. Over time, an informal system of labels has developed; however, rarely will you meet someone who can describe their swinging style without going beyond them. They are a good way to quickly find swingers who have some compatibility, and they are described here so you can become familiar with them. When figuring out your labels, remember that is it normal for swingers' styles to change as their comfort level grows. For your first venture out, be conservative. You can and probably will reassess your limits as your confidence and experience grows. For example, a few months ago we met a very shy and scared newbie who has blossomed joyfully into a lingerie-clad, table dancing, two-men-at-a-time-loving exhibitionist! PLACES TO MEET AND PLAY Once you begin your journey, you will be surprised how many places there are to meet, greet and play with other like-minded people! What follows is a description of the most popular ways to find playgrounds and playmates with links to more specific information of what's available in your area. Online Groups - Online groups come in two basic forms. The most simple are geocities or yahoo groups where you join and are placed on a mass email circular. These are often local in nature and provide little information on members but will give details on activities in your area. More useful are the large international organizations with hundreds of thousands of swingers in membership. These sites are professionally managed and provide great detail, information and opportunities. On these large group sites, swingers post profiles reflecting their Guidelines , experience, photographs, location and desires. A way to search and contact swingers is always available. These sites also often sponsor theme nights at local swinger clubs, local Meet and Greets and travel opportunities. The best groups will also show you the guest list of events they sponsor and give you the opportunity to contact, in advance, attendees. Some group sites include "validations" as part of a profile . This means that other members have met the swingers and certify that they are actually interested and participating in the swinging community.
Many sites are free to join but have a fee for upgraded services like email, guest lists for events, or photo viewing. One word of advice: it's a good idea join for free to find out what's going on, and whether a site is for you; however, a paid membership is worth its weight in gold, as many committed swingers will ignore "freebies." Freebies can often be kids, spouses seeking to commit infidelity, or chatters (people who just want to talk dirty and not swing). If you like what you see, I strongly recommend joining for at least a month and enjoying the full spectrum of swinger life. (And could you please follow OUR links to do so? Many groups will contribute a few cents to us if you do, and It's how we keep this site free. Don't worry - we list everyone of quality whether they send us a contribution or not.) HOW TO "DO" THE ONLINE GROUPS AND WRITE A WINNING PROFILE: Pop some popcorn, fix a soda, and sit down with your mate at the computer and let the adventure begin! I recommend that after reading and becoming familiar with this site, you (1) Go to yahoo, hotmail, or wherever and sign up for a free email to use when you sign up on swingers sites; (2) Think of a catchy, unique name that you can use on each of the different group sites. Don't be afraid to be creative!; (3) Sign up for free on as many as you wish. Be honest about yourselves, fill out the entire profile questionaire, and be consistent from one site to the next. If you are brave enough, and the site allows free members to do so, please include a picture, even if clothed and your face is covered. This shows you to be serious, and not a kid/single/chatter; (4) After joining, look around to see which group has the most swingers in your area and which sponsors the most activities in your area; and, finally, (5) Pay to join the best one for a month so you can have access to all the site has to offer and see whether this is really for you! Clubs - Swingers clubs have as much diversity as swingers themselves. Clubs can be everything from a converted house or warehouse with few amenities, to lavish, gourmet dinner-serving, indoor hot tub and pool sporting luxury facilities. Some clubs are "Off-premises," meaning no sex occurs on the premises. Here you meet and flirt, then go elsewhere to play. Others are "On-premises," and include a variety of places to play in the club. Some clubs have areas where towels and lingerie are the only dress allowed and should provide towels for those areas. Also, many will limit entrance to couples and single females on certain nights of the week. If you are making your first visit, you may wish to go on nights without many single men (unless that is your desire!). Our Clubs site provides links to the Clubs themselves organized by state to aid you in quickly finding a club in your area that meets your playground desires. Please look carefully at the clubs' sites you are interested in visiting. Most clubs have innocent sounding names, but may not be in line with your labels or desires, as some clubs cater to fetishes or fantasies. If your first time, it might be overwhelming to attend a club where there were no lights at all or where the decor was dungeonish and the swingers were clad in leather and spikes! Theme Nights. Now that you've picked a club, find out if they are having a "theme night". These nights dressing in costume is not mandatory, but a good costume can help make friends. Be creative, and newbies, there's no need to be scantily dressed unless you are comfortable! My mate and I made several new friends at a "party like a rock star" party by going as the Blues Brothers, clad from hat to the ground. Theme nights are great for newbies, as the clubs or groups sponsoring them will often provide a guest list and allow you to access information on the guests with contact information. Pick a guest with similar guidelines to yours and contact them in advance. How comforting it would be to know that a regular at the club would be looking out for you and would show you around! A word on dress. Please dress appropriately so you will be allowed in. Many clubs require men to dress "business casual" - collared shirts and dress pants (no jeans). Women are encouraged to dress for success, as this is a blatant bootie call! Ladies, that means SEXY. Remember, newbies, demure can be sexy! So is spandex, leather, lace, lingerie, nudity, men's blazers or button-down shirts open over panties and bras, little plaid schoolgirl outfits (yep, no matter your age), etc. A word on Alcohol. Many clubs allow you to bring your own alcohol and they will provide bartenders and mixers. You may be surprised at how little drinking occurs at swing clubs, however, but once you think it through you will understand, as alcohol has a certain effect on many mens' ability to play. If you do take alcohol, take a small amount of something requiring a mixer. Too much alcohol leads to so many issues, from regret to arguments to performance inabilities. How to make friends. At clubs the music is loud and it is hard to talk with prospective playmates. Don't worry: most newbies are easy to spot: they have either a certain deer-in-the-headlights look or cheshire cat smile. Don't be afraid to approach people and use your newbie status as an icebreaker. We can tell who you are, and using your newbie status as an icebreaker is a sure way to meet regulars who will happily and openly address any questions or concerns you have, or point out swingers they know who may have compatible labels . Additionally, newbies have a certain status and are desireable to many swingers. Remember the prestige of having a virgin? Well, you are the virgin here. Enjoy! Public advances by strangers . Invariably, you will be playing with your partner (or another) in a group or couple's room and someone next to you who you haven't met will discreetly touch you gently in an innocent place. It is an invitation to join them! If you do not respond, they will remove their touch and that is the end of it. If you are interested, simply return the gesture! Many women in the swinging community are at least soft-swing bi-sexual and like to kiss, stroke and lick other women. Wheee! Quickly let your new friends know your labels and limitations, and then play on! It's not unusual for the play to slowly grow in this fashion into a group of six or more couples, so keep an eye on your partner for safety and happiness sake. House Party - Party at someone's house where the purpose is play. Each party is different. Sometimes the guest list is well controlled. At other times it may be published to the internet. Some are "On-Premises" and swinging happens there. Others are "Off-Premises," and you go to a nearby hotel and make your own arrangements. House parties can include a few couples or hundreds, so if you receive a personal invite, ask the person inviting you for details. Otherwise, email or call your host or hostess for information before going. Meet and Greet - These are a great way to meet swingers and are often held at a bar or restaurant in or near a hotel. The goal is to meet and flirt with other swingers. If you find someone at the Meet and Greet you want to play with, there's a hotel room conveniently nearby. Meet and Greets are a wonderful way to start if the club scene seems overwhelming and you don't want to bring someone home you've only met online. Often the swingers begin in a public place like the hotel bar or restaurant, so If you are really timid, you can pretend just to be there with your mate for drinks/dinner and watch the swingers out of the corner of your eye. Nudist Camps - Many nudists are also members of the swingers' lifestyle and many nudist camps include at least separate facilities for swinging. We've included some in our listing on Clubs and invite you to check them out. As always, contact the facility for information and don't hesitate to ask about and follow the rules of the facility. THE RULES There are no hard and fast rules (pun intended). Do what makes you feel good, but be respectful of others. Remember that as in any dating situation, "no means no." I provide some guidelines here to help make your early adventures more fun and stress-free. The informal credo of swingers is "leave the drama at the theatre and wine in the fridge." Communication before and after swinging events will ensure you and your partner have fun and do not become overwhelmed. Whether going to a club or on your first date, decide with your partner before going (or yourself if you are going alone) what your comfort level is and what you are and are not willing to do. Decide specifically what you are willing to do with others, and where. What are your labels? If your first time, set your guidelines to those of the more timid partner and move only as quickly as they are willing. Pressuring a partner will surely lead to drama-trauma. Have a signal that your partner recognizes to let them know when you want to stop. If you are going to your first club, I recommend that you agree to stay together. Sometimes a person will become so overwhelmed that they will need to leave the area of play suddenly to regain their composure. Get up and go with them. Reassess your guidelines and always be willing to reduce your guidelines for the comfort of your partner. Guys, when swinging with more than one couple, protect your gals. I know it sounds old-fashioned, but there are times when we just can't see what's going on. It's your job to make sure your rules are followed. For example, if you are four-playing with another couple or two (yep, pun intended again) and the play moves to sex, make sure the man getting ready to be with your lady knows you are OK with this, and make sure he puts on a new condom! Drama - Swinging is a very wonderfully intense extreme sport, and many beginners become emotional their first few times, for a number of reasons. At the risk of sounding like a TV shrink, sometimes this is the result of a failure to communicate with your partner about limits. To best avoid drama, start slow, and communicate before and after swinging events. Whether going to a club or on your first date, decide with your partner before going (or yourself if you are going alone) what your comfort level is, what your limits are. What are you willing to do with others, and where. What are your labels ? How will you let your partner know if you become overwhelmed, and what will you do? If your first time, set your guidelines to those of the more timid partner and STICK TO THEM. Move only as quickly as your more timid partner is willing. Pressuring a partner will surely lead to drama-trauma and a partner who no longer wishes to enjoy this delightful lifestyle. Remember, next time you can expand your horizons if you both wish. Should you find yourself with drama, take it to a private place and talk. Reassess your guidelines and do not return to play unless and until both of you are ready. If necessary, leave the facility altogether. If handled correctly, there will be many other and better playtimes. Jealousy - Some think they're ready for swinging, but when they see their gal/fella enjoy being ravished by another, or giving something to another that they've never gotten before, that famous green monster can start to surface. Understand this: If you want to be the end all for your mate, or think no one can please him/her like you can, DO NOT swing. It's just not for you. Should the monster rear his ugly little head, and drama erupt, take it to a private place and talk. Reassess your guidelines and do not return to play unless and until both of you are ready. Safety - The main concerns for swingers are STDs, unwanted action and violence. I have met physicians who were committed swingers with no concerns about STDs, and was interested to learn that swingers as a demographic have an occurrence of STDs less than that of the U.S. general population. Safe sex issues for swingers are no different than those of the general population, but safety practices are more important as you are with multiple partners. Newbies, don't worry that labeling yourself "safe" will render you an uncool square; I've never been refused (to my knowledge) because of my choice of safety first and most swingers I've met have a "condom only" label. If you have concerns in this area, begin with soft swinging and do your own research. Soft swinging is of course more safe because you are staying with your partner. Also, using condoms and dental dams are ways to protect yourself while swinging. Learn more about STDs here As for unwanted action and violence, use the common sense I know you all have. If you are not familiar with someone proposing to swing, meet/stay in a public place. Don't take them to your home. At a club or party, don't go to a private place alone, and don't leave your mate unless he or she knows where you are going and when you will return. If you see something that needs to be addressed, tell those in charge. Do not become involved yourself. The only violence I've seen was related to jealousy drama-trauma, caused by unhappy mates. Fortunately all incidents were quickly, quietly and professionally handled by the facilities. Inability to "focus" - Okay. This one's for the guys. Don't be surprised if the first time or two you have performance anxiety leading to an inability to get or remain erect - even if you've never had trouble at home. There are just so many distracting and wonderful things going on! Try starting in private rooms to reduce distractions and sensory overload. Many men I know take little blue pills (link) when swinging. These have the additional and fortunate side effect of keeping you erect longer than you otherwise would. A friend of mine, on his birthday, had the fantasy of seeing how many women he could bring to orgasm, and how many times. Thanks to his little blue friend, the happy end result was 5 and 12. A very happy birthday indeed! Fear of seeing someone you know - Yep, we all have it. Especially in the beginning. The only way I can say to make this easier is that if you see them at a swinging event, they're attending for the same reason and are feeling much the same way you are. "Fancy meeting you here" with a nervious giggle will usually be all it takes to solve the discomfort. Alcohol - Many clubs allow you to bring your own alcohol and they will provide bartenders and mixers. You may be surprised at how little drinking occurs at swing clubs, however, but once you think it through you will understand, as alcohol has a certain effect on many men's ability to play. If you do take alcohol, take a small amount of something requiring a mixer. Too much alcohol leads to so many issues, from regret to arguments to performance inabilities. To Shave or Not To Shave - This applies to men and women. It's a personal choice, but one that can have a limiting effect on your prospects for playmates. Many swingers turn down giving oral sex to someone unless they have at least trimmed the areas around their genitals. While the shaved look does take a little getting used to in the mirror, it does have some safety and hygeine-related benefits, as hair holds bacteria and odor. Further, getting a loose one in your mouth does kill the mood!
Soft Swing - Soft swingers typically flirt and dance seductively with others, but play only with each other. Some soft swingers are also exhibitionists or voyeurs while others prefer private rooms. Soft Swap Touching - These soft swingers are distinguishable from soft swingers because they allow their partner to touch others off the dance floor. This can, but does not necessarily include kissing, stroking breasts, kissing breasts and mouths. Some soft swappers also allow touching of the genitals with the hand. Soft Swap Oral - This is a departure from Soft Swap Touching that needs little definition; however, here it is. Soft Swap Oral means oral sex with others is allowed and encouraged. Some soft swap oral swingers, especially females, are bi-sexual. Same Room Only - Same Room Only swingers will only play in the same room of their partner. This label can change depending on the environment. Some are Same Room at clubs and hotels, but not at a house party or a home. Full Swap - You guessed it! Full swappers are looking for the traditional wife swap, and often mfm and fmf. Sometimes they are open also to mfmfmfmfmf. Full Swap, Completely Open - Wow. Do I really need to define this one by now? Yep, they're completely open. To most anything, anytime, anywhere. Some completely open males are bi-sexual, although not many. Most completely open women are. Voyueur - Voyueurs are turned on watching others have sex. Exhibitionism - Exhibitionists enjoy being watched. Not surprisingly, many soft swingers are exhibitionists. Safe Sex Full - Condoms and dental dams are required for oral sex and condoms are required for sex. Safe Sex Partial - This can vary depending on the swinger; however, typically oral sex is commonly performed without protection, but condoms are used for all intercourse. OTHER TERMS: Anal - Intercourse including penetration of the anus, whether by penis or toy. Barebacking - Sexual intercourse without condoms. Bi-curious - A person who is attracted to the same sex and is curious about same-sex play, but who has not yet done so or will participate only under the "right" circumstances. Bi-sexual - a person who enjoys sex with members of both sexes. Bi-sexuals can be soft-swap with one sex and full-swap with the other or any other combination. Clubs - Clubs can be everything from a converted house or warehouse with few amenities to lavish, gourmet dinner-serving, indoor hot tub and pool sporting luxury facilities. Some clubs are "Off-premises," meaning no sex occurs on the premises. Here you meet and flirt, then go elsewhere to play. Others are "On-premises," and include a variety of places to play in the club. Get additional information before going, as many clubs limit entrance to couples and single females only certain nights of the week. If you are making your first visit, you may wish to go on nights without so many single men (unless that is your desire!). Couples' Night - Self-explanatory, I hope. To reduce the number of horny single men, many clubs limit entrance to couples and single females only certain nights of the week. This is a good time for newbies to venture out for their first adventure! Couples Room - On nights that aren't "couples' night", many clubs will have a room where only couples or couples with an extra female are allowed. Group Room - A room at a club or house party where groups participate. These rooms are often for full swingers who do not require a "meet and greet" before playing. Private Room - A small, closed room at a club where one or more couples can go to play and limit those who join them. Drama-Trauma - A common newbie affliction! Dental Dam - a piece of non-permeable membrane, typically plastic, that is used to prevent the spread of sexually transmitted diseases when performing oral sex on a woman. Lifestyle - What many swingers call the swinging lifestyle. Technically anyone in an alternative lifestyle, whether nudist, gay or lesbian, bi-sexual or swinger are lifestylers, but the term is coming to mean swingers. Newbie - You while you are getting your feet wet. mfm - online shorthand for manage et trois (threesome with two men, one woman) fmf - online shorthand for manage et trois (threesome with two women, one man) mfmfmfmf - online shorthand for group sex On Premises - Place where sex occurs. An on-premises club allows sex in the club and has the facilities for it. Off-Premises - Meeting, flirting, and dancing occur, but you must go elsewhere to play. Many meet and greets are held in hotel bars or function rooms. Luckily, there's a hotel room nearby where you and your new friend(s) can quickly get to! Orgy - group sex involving more than two couples. DP - Double Penetration. A woman has been DPed when she has sex anally and vaginally at the same time. This can involve two penises, a penis and a toy, or two toys. Playing - This term can be used to mean all types of sexual play, from foreplay to soft swing to full out sex. So there is no confusion, I typically use the term to mean anything more than foreplay (oral to full sex). Guidelines - Also referred to as Labels. Valid/Validated - many swingers websites let you know which members are valid. This means that other members have met them and validate that they are actually interested and participating in the swinging community. This is a valuable tool, as the groups have a number of members who are either just looking or worse - kids or married adults with a spouse who doesn't swing!
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